Some nights, I lie awake wondering how we ended up here,
With minds full of strife.
The distance between us fills me with unspoken fear,
Debilitation cuts like a knife.
I think your amber pools see right through all the broken parts of me,
Especially the ones I’ve been trying to hide,
Hoping you’d never see.
I’m not easy to handle, like a storm that comes out of nowhere,
You never know when the levy’s going to break,
My heart’s on fire at night, but cold by the morning sun’s glare.
The walls I’ve built aren’t just brick; they’re topped with razor wire,
Originally wrought to keep me safe,
Now a prison separating me from the K-AUS I secretly admire.
Still, my core shakes with every step we take together,
Knowing how fragile this thing can be,
Like pasting paper together in stormy weather.
I pull away, not because I want to leave,
But because I’m scared of how much I want this to be,
Terrified of how much I deep down inside already believe.
I need you, want you, crave you more than you know, my champ, my light,
You’re the only one who sees my darkness and doesn’t run for their life.
So, please know, when I retreat, it’s not because I don’t care,
But because I’m afraid you’ll see how broken I am when the truth is laid bare.
The ghosts of my dark past whisper stark warnings every night,
Telling me it won’t last, that I’m not worthy, that nothing will ever be right.
But your gentle soul helps me start to heal,
The wounds I’ve carried, the pain I’ve tried to conceal.
In this K-AUS, I’m captivated, wild and rare,
I find myself breathless, beyond repair.
You are the lighthouse shining on my stormy shore,
Illuminating the pieces I can’t fix alone anymore.
Read the original Chaotic Thoughts poem and more from Crow Medicine on AllPoetry.com.
